With criticism I might say to my wife, вЂYou never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive.вЂ™ Well, sheвЂ™s going to respond defensively to that. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. вЂњYou would think that criticism would be the worst, because criticism is a global condemnation of a personвЂ™s character. They are:Д®ven within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: Contempt! In GottmanвЂ™s studies, he found that of all the different emotions that play a role in marital success and failure, there are just four that are the most predictive. The Four Emotional Horsemen Who Damage Relationships Top of head: I love feeling good about me and about us. Under arm: I choose to feel a brighter future. Top of head: These negative emotions towards my spouse.Д®yebrow: This seeing my spouse as a negative presence. вЂњEven though I am having trouble seeing ANYTHING positive about my spouse right now, I choose to focus on what will make me feel better about me and about us.вЂќ вЂњEven though I really just want to get away from my spouse, there is so much hurt here, I deeply and completely accept my role in our relationship.вЂќ вЂњEven though I am experiencing these negative emotions towards my spouse, IвЂ™m open to feeling a little better.вЂќ Here are some possible EFT set-ups, tapping on the karate chop point, say: If it is our desire to experience positive regard towards our spouse, then as we become aware of negative emotions, we use EFT to help redirect the energy in a more empowered and positive way-by CHOICE! Here is where EFT can be a tremendous help. But sometimes we DONвЂ™T FEEL NICE and we donвЂ™t feel a person deserves respect (especially if the person was present when we felt hurt in the past). And as he notes, it is so hard for us to change those states that вЂњonce they start going down, toward negative emotions, 94% will continue going down.вЂќД¬ould it be that we see this negative trend play out in divorce and broken relationships because we do not, as a culture, teach and encourage emotional self-management? Sure, weвЂ™re told from childhood to Be Nice and Show Respect. But it doesnвЂ™t take very long to note whether the trend is toward positive regard or negative disdain.

Gottman notes that in any relationship, even when viewed for only 3 minutes as they tell a mutual story, there are ups and downs. ItвЂ™s really hard to change those states, and those states determine whether when one party tries to repair things, the other party sees that as a repair or a hostile manipulation.вЂќ If their spouse does something positive, itвЂ™s a selfish person doing a positive thing. In the negative sentiment override state, people draw lasting conclusions about each other. Their spouse will do something bad, and theyвЂ™ll say, вЂOh, heвЂ™s just in a crummy mood.вЂ™ Or they can be in negative sentiment override, so that even a relatively neutral thing that a partner says gets perceived as a negative. The first is what I call positive sentiment override, where positive emotion overrides irritability. вЂњPeople are in one of two states in a relationship. One of GottmanвЂ™s findings is that for marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotion in a given encounter has to be at least five to one. With only three minutes of observation, Gottman and his team can still predict with fairly impressive accuracy who is going to get divorced and who is going to make itвЂ¦ even if on the surface the couple is joking and seems relatively вЂњin love.вЂќ HeвЂ™s been doing this with over 3000 couples since the 1980вЂ™s. If he watches for 15 minutes, his success rate is around 90 percent. If he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95% accuracy whether that couple will still be married fifteen years later. They also factor in data from electrodes and sensors. For example, the coding вЂњ7,7,14,10,11,11вЂќ means that in one six-second stretch, one member of the couple was briefly angry, then neutral, had a moment of defensiveness, and then began whining. He then breaks them down, second by second, into categories of emotion in 20 different categories as expressed by facial expressions. In Chapter 1 is the story of The Love Lab where John Gottman records on videotape interactions between married couples. It digs into the thin slices (instant judgments) we make and how incredibly accurate they prove to be. Malcolm GladwellвЂ™s Blink! is a fascinating book on many levels.

Happy negative marriage raw